i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
