I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
