my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
we're so committed to being not committed
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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