Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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