He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
