She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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