dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
