cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
