This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
3 2 1 whiskey
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
