I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
