I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
