i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
