NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
