I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
