bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
me + whiskey = a bad person
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
