you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
