White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
