drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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