Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
