My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
