I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
