he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
