also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
