Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh god it's open bar.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
