I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
