Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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