You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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