I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
