1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
