He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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