Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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