Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
