I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
