Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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