The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
