I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
