i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
