oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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