I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
