Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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