if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
