I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
