just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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