So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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