I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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