Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
