Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
