if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
