My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
