so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
