No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
