Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
