yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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