One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
