I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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