I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
