Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
