were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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