So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
