my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
