well I can't set my house on fire every night
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
