When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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