Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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