I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she looked like the before picture.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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